Some Things Aren't Meant to be Done in the Buff
by Ellipsis the Great
Summary: For this prompt on the lj st xi kink meme:  5 things Jim kirk did naked that are normally done clothed. 1 thing he did clothed that's normallly done naked. Jim/Bones


_**Some Things Aren't Meant to be Done in the Buff**_

_A one-shot by Ellipsis the Great_

_**Summary:**__ For this prompt on the lj st_xi_kink_meme: 5 things Jim kirk did naked that are normally done clothed. 1 thing he did clothed that's normallly done naked. Jim/Bones_

_**Disclaimer:**__ Star Trek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Gene Roddenberry, and all those other cool cats who own it. All I own is the plot!_

_**Rating:**__ M for copious amounts of nudity and cursing_

**1 – Try to Seduce Someone **(who hasn't previously been pursued in a romantic or sexual way)

"Well hello, there, Bones."

"Oh, for God's sake, Jim, put some goddamned clothes on." Bones snaps as he drops his things next to the door and strips off his jacket.

"You've seen me naked before, Bones, it's not a big deal." Jim scoffs, stretching languorously in the little dorm bed he was lying in. Bare-ass naked as the day he was born.

"You look like you've just had sex." Bones says, rolling his eyes as an excuse to avert them from Jim, whose hair is doing that weirdly spiked cowlick thing it does after he's gotten laid, and who is still sweaty and a little flushed from what was apparently a very nice—wait. Bones' eyes narrow. "Who is she, and is she still in our goddamned room?"

"I _told_ you I should've just stayed in the bed." A girl—who is green-skinned and red-haired and _holy Christ on a cracker Jim's gone and had sex with an Orion_. "The name's Gaila, sugar, and you are the second roommate to walk in on us."

"But last time we hadn't had sex, yet." Jim pipes up helpfully. "By the way, Gaila, this is my roommate, Dr. Leonard McCoy. But you can call him Bones."

"The fuck she can." Bones mutters even as the good manners his mama gave him insist that he give a slight bow. "Miss Gaila."

"Dr. McCoy." She purrs.

Bones notices vaguely that she is actually mostly clothed, although she had obviously dressed in a hurry seeing as how her dress is on backwards. He also notices that she's probably emitting some crazy Orion hormones, right now, because he is feeling rather light-headed.

"I'd better get going." Gaila says. She flutters her fingers at Jim flirtatiously. "I'll see you later, Hot Stuff—next time, let's try not to get caught at all, hm?"

"Or get caught halfway through!" Jim says with a wink.

She laughs, waves at Bones, and leaves.

"What the _fuck_, Jim?" Bones snarls as soon as the door is closed. "I said no girls in the room. That's the _only_ goddamned rule I gave you."

"Aw, c'mon, she's an _Orion_!" Jim says. "And last time Uhura walked in on us! She totally would have castrated me if she caught us again!"

"Jim, I'm a _doctor_." Bones says. "I actually _can_ castrate you."

Jim opens his mouth to say something, and then closes it, as well as his legs. "You wouldn't really, would you, Bones?" He asks a moment later, his eyes wide as he stares at his roommate.

"Wouldn't I?" Bones asks, arching an eyebrow at him—but that's the eyebrow arch that means he's teasing. Mostly.

"That's a terrible joke." Jim says, and then his voice drops as he stands up and says, "Besides, I can totally make it worth your while not to."

"That's a terrible pick up line." Bones says. "Shit, kid, ain't you tired or something?"

Picking up stride as he goes, Jim waggles his eyebrows. "Not if it's you, Bones-y."

"Why do girls like you?" Bones asks.

"Because I'm charming," says Jim as he starts walking towards Bones with a decidedly mischievous glint in his eyes, "and handsome," he puts his arms around Bones' neck, "and well-endowed."

Bones snorts and presses their foreheads together. "Fucking crazy's what you are—or maybe crazy about fucking? Either way, put on some goddamned clothes."

"But _Bones_," Jim whines as Bones pulls away.

"Clothes, Jim." Bones says. "You have class in fifteen minutes and I have studying to do."

"You're a cock tease, Bones."

"I'm not a cock tease if I'm not flirting. You're flirting _all by yourself_."

"Bones, don't tell me you haven't thought about us together."

"Aren't you straight?"

"I'd totally go gay for you, man."

A sigh. "I mean it, Jim, clothes now or I'll cut it off."

"But—"

"We can talk about this later. Over coffee. Fully clothed."

"You take the fun out of _everything_, Bones."

**2 – Cook**

"Good morning, Bones!"

"Oh my God."

"You can just call me Jim. Seriously, we've known each other for how long, now?"

"Why are you naked?"

"I'm just cooking, Bones, it's totally cool."

"No. No it's not. I'm not eating any of that."

"But I spent all morning—"

"With your _dick_ in my _mouth_. Do you know how many germs—"

"Bones. _Sweetheart_. Chillax."

"I'm going to kill you."

"But first you're going to eat biscuits and gravy. Just like you like them."

Bones purses his lips together, a tick appearing in his forehead. "You did all of this _just_ so you could say that, didn't you?"

"You like _biscuits_ and _gravy_, right, Bones?"

"I'm going to go back to sleep. Wake me up when you've finished being a colossal asshole." He turns to leave.

"But I'm _your_ colossal asshole, Bones, to take how and when you please!"

"God help me."

"I told you Jim is fine. Or, ooh, you could call me 'Captain Fine.' That'd be nice."

"I hate you."

"That's heresy, you know."

**3 – Thwart a Klingon Warbird**

"Captain, you appear to be completely devoid of clothing."

"Well spotted, Mr. Spock, you are as observant as always."

"I think Commander Spock wants to know _why_ you're naked, Captain." Uhura says, her head tilted in a way that indicates that she is curious, as well.

"Sometimes, Commander and Lieutenant, people are having sex when emergencies happen and don't have time for clothes."

"Captain, you could very easily have brought a pair of underwear or pants and dressed yourself on the way here or upon your arrival." Spock points out.

"Sometimes, Commander, people don't think about everything. Now let's cut the chitchat." He sits down in The Chair, maintaining a mostly straight face when it makes a very weird noise against his bare skin. "Hail the Klingons, Lieutenant."

"Yes, Captain." Uhura says with a slight hitch in her voice that is hiding either amusement or uncertainty.

"Feeble Starfleet—" The Klingon who has come up onscreen stops, blinks a little, and squints at him.

"This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS _Enterprise_. Yes, I'm naked. Work on your timing and this won't happen again." Jim says. "And no, it's not going to stop me from blowing your ship to smithereens if you do not remove your ship from Starfleet space in the next five minutes."

The Klingon's mouth opens, then closes again. Opens. Closes. And then the screen goes blank. And then the ship turns around and leaves Starfleet space.

"We will not speak of this again." Jim says.

**4 – Conduct an Important Diplomatic Mission**

"Welcome to our planet, Captain!" Says a small, humanoid alien with blue fur, an oversized egg-shaped head, and fuzzy antennae that are wriggling about with delight.

"Thank you for having us, Ambassador." Jim says with as genuine a smile as he can manage when he's totally in the nude (and not in a sexual situation). "I hope that the treaty we have drawn up will meet your approval."

"Yes, yes, of course!" The ambassador takes the proffered treaty, handing it to one of his assistants, who immediately begins reading it. "We shall discuss it over dinner, yes?"

"It would be our pleasure." Jim says, hoping that no one notices the slight twitch in his cheek (the one on his face, not—never mind). Bones will have noticed it, of course, but Bones doesn't count and isn't actually present, at the moment, thank goodness. Jim, now that he has discovered monogamy, has also discovered that he is terribly possessive about his romantic partner (only Bones; it's only ever been Bones). He would probably be flipping a shit right about now if Bones was here. So many people (read: perverts) looking at _his_ Bones, all naked and gorgeous and—

"Ambassador, might I be excused for just a moment to go to the restroom?"

**5 – Drink Coffee**

"I thought we were only supposed to drink coffee fully clothed?" Jim snickers as he sits down at the kitchen table.

Bones sets a cup down in front of him. "We need to talk, Jim."

Jim's spine goes ramrod straight. "No."

"No?"

"That always means something bad, Bones. Whatever it is, we can talk it out."

"This isn't…really something we can just talk out, Jim." Bones says softly.

"Bones, please. I swear to God I'll stop cooking naked and…and anything else."

"Calm down and drink the coffee, Jim." Bones says, taking a sip of his own coffee as he takes a seat.

Jim tips the mug back, ignoring the way the coffee scalds his throat on the way down. Then he sets the cup down so hard it cracks. He stands. "I don't want to break up, Bones. I can't."

And then he turns and runs out of the room.

When he comes out, fully clothed in his uniform, Bones is gone. But there is a PADD sitting on the table with something pulled up at which he is obviously supposed to look.

He doesn't want to read it, but it looks like something official. Important.

There is a word highlighted.

_Xenopolycythemia_.

**+ 1 – Take a Shower**

"Shit." Jim presses his forehead against the tiles of the shower, shivering as freezing water beats down on his head. His clothes are wet and clinging to his body, doing nothing to keep his lips from turning blue or his fingers from losing feeling. "Fucking _shit_."

"Jim?" The slight swoosh of a door opening, and then the shower curtain goes _SHING!_ as it is pushed to one side. "Christ, Jim."

"Bones." He says, and then there is warm water streaming down his cheeks—tears. "Bones, Bones, Bones."

"Aw, hell, Jim." Bones says, turning the water off. "You tryin' to get yourself killed, too?"

Jim lets out a choked sob that shakes his entire body and collapses into Bones, who wraps strong arms around him.

"Shh." Bones says, but his voice is shaky, too. "It's going to be okay, Jimmy."

"No it's not." Jim says. "I can't lose you, Bones. I can't."

Bones makes a strangled noise and squeezes Jim tighter to himself. He presses his lips against the top of Jim's head, then turns his head and rests his cheek there. "I love you, Jim."

"Don't say that." Jim says.

"I love you." Bones says.

"Don't _fucking_ say that, Bones." Jim's voice is breaking almost as much as his heart is. "You never say that. Don't start now, goddammit—"

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

"Goddammit!" Jim beats a fist against Bones' chest weakly. "You can't fucking leave me, Bones! I love you too fucking much for you to leave me!"

"I'm sorry. I love you. I love you so much."

Jim lets out an ungodly wail, and Bones holds him closer.

Out on the kitchen table, Bones' PADD is flashing manically.

'_Urgent Message From: Ambassador Spock._'

The End.

_A/N: WTF BRAIN I HATE YOU GO DIE IN A FIRE. Le sigh. I hate the emotional shift in this, but honestly when I saw the prompt my muse immediately started playing the first and last scenarios in my head._

_Anyhow, whatever. I hope you enjoy it. I apologize if it's not exactly what anon wanted/expected._


End file.
